Crafting Inner Peace: Who Still Awaits Your Forgiveness?

In my journey of forgiveness, I learned to mend the broken ties with my father, but an unexpected question from a close friend forced me to confront the most crucial relationship of all: the one with myself.

My parents divorced when I was 11, though their separation started long before that.

I can vividly recall going to the beach with my dad and an “auntie” whom I have never seen at family functions. And going on hikes with my mom and an “uncle” who suddenly resurfaced after years of absence.

As a young kid, I was genuinely happy to meet new family members because they always bought my brother and me each a 20-piece McNuggets.

As I grew older, I knew what was happening. My dad was seeing other women, and my mom decided she also needed someone.

As a young adult in my early 20s, I always saw my dad as an example of what not to do, as a dad and a man. Deep down, I resented him for not being a good father and not giving me what I deserved as a kid.

My hidden resentment for my father was brought to the surface when I watched Andy Stanely’s YouTube series on How to Start Repairing Broken Relationships. Where I learned that I needed to

1. Seek reconciliation so there will be no regrets
2. Choose empathy and understanding
3. Take the first step to reconciliation
4. Keep my door open

I followed the advice, took the first step, and had a talk with my father shortly after my 32nd birthday.

I told him, "I forgive you for what you have done in the past. I am sure you had your reasons. But I don’t think we can have a father-and-son relationship at this stage of our lives. I am open to starting a new relationship. We can start as friends."

I could tell from his snapping, angry remark, tinged with denial, that my words were not easy for my dad to hear.

In my big Taiwanese family, the tradition is for people to either turn a blind eye to interpersonal issues or be passive and ignorant about them. Following Andy's 4 steps to repair a broken relationship, I was able to talk to my father with a sense of understanding, and we were able to start a new relationship.

Before the talk after my 32nd birthday, he would try to voice his opinion on my personal life as a father figure. And each time he probed into the details of my personal life, it was as though he was grasping at fragments of a puzzle he had no right to solve.

After the talk, a clear boundary was drawn. It was as if my words had etched an unspoken agreement in the air between us. In the days and weeks that followed, my father seemed to respect the newfound distance I had set. He no longer probed into my personal life as a father figure, and a sense of mutual understanding began to settle in the spaces between us.

Indeed, the talk had given life to a new evolving relationship between my dad and me, instilling within me a newfound sense of liberation. Yet, something still lingered quietly...

It was during a coffee catch-up with a close friend, Amy, that the unspoken truth finally found its voice.

"I am proud of you that you've found it in your heart to forgive your dad," she remarked, her voice reflecting genuine admiration.

"But, Tim, have you considered forgiving yourself?"

Her words hung in the air. My tears welled. A silent answer to the question she'd posed.

Just when I believed I had completed the outward journey of repairing broken relationships, Amy held up a mirror and asked me to look inward as my final stop.

I guess deep down I thought I was the reason my dad wasn't there for me.
I guess deep down I thought I wasn't good enough to deserve love.
I guess deep down I thought I was the problem.

Amy's question allowed me to see the person I had forgotten to forgive, me.

As we navigate the terrain of forgiveness and reconciliation, it's easy to focus on repairing relationships with those who have played significant roles in our lives. Yet, often overlooked is the profound relationship we have with ourselves.

As you ponder the question, "Who still awaits your forgiveness?" don't forget to turn your gaze inward. You'll find that there is a person who has been staring back, waiting. Extend to yourself the same forgiveness, understanding, and love you offer others, and you'll uncover a sense of inner peace.

Action Item

1. List the individuals who have caused you pain or resentment
2. Try to understand their perspective, your own feelings, and the impact of holding onto resentment
3. Write down and/or rehearse what you would say to forgive the individual(s)
4. Write down and/or rehearse what you would say to forgive yourself
5. Let the individual(s) and yourself know you have extended your forgiveness